Matthew Vegas! - :Fashion.Bomb.Terrorist: (agentparanoia) wrote,
Matthew Vegas! - :Fashion.Bomb.Terrorist:

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The bag boy has emotion. this is not good.


Time for some personal reflection and introspective bullshit;

Since, moving here to Miami(in June), I was hired on by good faith by a great friend's Uncle, he is the chief advisor at the Dade County Medical Examiner's Office.

Of course, upon starting the job, I had to get used to certain smells, sights and outrageous situations. but, it didn't take too long. My 'personal reflection' this far into the job, has made me really stop and question a few things, about my own self. Especially, since picking up a few bodies, that  were of people I'd either used drugs with or had bought drugs off of, not long before, having to go pick their remains. that definetly made me re-think things, a bit. -Am I clean from chemicals? No, but thankfully I'm no longer shooting up or smoking certain things. But, I don't claim to be a member of sober society. In my opinion, this is neither a pro or a con.

I know this post is all-over-the-place and dis-jointed, whatever, lots of coffee and adderall does that, I suppose. I get alot, that I talk about this job of mine too much, even when I'm off duty. and some refer to it as "odd" and "fucked up" but I just naturally have a drive to look deeper into death, especially Suicide's, why wouldn't you want to look into a Suicidal mind? when you've been to as many suicide-scenes as I have so far, you would be dumb, in my opinion not to contenplate the reasons "Why". it's rather stupid to just say "suicide is bad, that's a tragedy". there has to be much more to each picture, then what religion and whatever other "logical" belief patterns try to tell us. I just know it.

The main thing that has kept me awake, and has disturbed my mental state, quite a bit, is when my partner and I, must go to Nursing Homes, I really hate to sound like a dick, but most of the time, we end up cracking jokes while doing a pick up, though of course if family members are around, and there's something comical about a scene, we try to keep it under wraps until we've got the job done, and are on our way.(I've had family members, who are grieving hardcore, and just can't accept death, pull me by my shirt and shove me against walls, when seeing me and my partner taking their relative and putting them on the gurney, which, I suppose is understandable) -Anyway, nursng homes, stay with me, because of my history with my Grandma slowly dying in one, a few years ago. Up to this point, every pick-up we've done at a Nursing Home, I've been able to contain myself, and not get emotional, but definetly think about it all night/day after ward. But, yesterday, we did a pick up, and the old lady, we were told by the Nursing Staff, had died from natural causes brought on by Alzeimers...the same evil fucking force that took my Grandma's poor life. So, I just lost it. My partner, had to load the body himself, and luckily had a bit of pity on my weakling ass. Ever since, I've been off my shift, which has now been 11 hours, I've been pacing the floor, and being a emotional wreck. I don't want to quit my job, it's enjoyable, and plus I seriously don't need more time on my hands, to sit around searching for another job, I know I'll start looking at other "things" and most likely go back to the main-habits that I've finally gave up.  and it will ultimately destroy me, or drive me insane.  What to do...what to do.. Probably I will do more Adderall to finish a thesis I'm writing, and try to logically think this through, I go on my next shift early-today, in a few hours....Man, I wish I had more online friends to speak with, who also work in the medical examiner field, haha, eh, seriously.   /end.


(you can all just ignore this, it was more for my self, anyway, and I didn't feel like phisicly picking up a pen and paper)

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