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LiveJournal for Matthew Vegas! - :Fashion.Bomb.Terrorist:.

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Sunday, June 6th, 2010

Time:11:12 pm.
Mood: melancholy.

Been in weird super-emotional, homesick moods the past week, straight. Arizona just sucks man. God, I miss the SANITY of Seattle.(weird, I know, lol.)

where I'm staying at, these Crystal smoking weird fucks are driving me crazy, beating on the door 24-7.

jesus, now I see why I stopped that shit, goddamn.

just need to get my head together..gain some weight, start exercising more. ...and stuff. /Too skinny.
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Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Subject:tell me son, why do you stand there crying?
Time:3:42 pm.
Mood:shake n sweat.

locked up, detached, thrown everyones number's away. UGH

Haven't had had any heroin, dilaudid, morphine, methadone, or roxi's in 4 days.

--you'll defeat this, just like you did crystal, matt, keep your chin up.

goddamnit UGH
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Saturday, March 20th, 2010

Subject:slapped in the face, again.
Time:7:39 pm.
Mood:detach..
I'll concede that it has been great, but it is deffinately bitersweet in many ways. I used to just find so much joy and interest in the simple stuff.. but being on as much -stuff latelyas I am, my emotions are dulled to a point where I finally feel like they can't overwhelm me, but I lose the feelings of happiness and joy. I also lose most of my ability to be empathetic, and I can't understand what others are feeling.
These dull blue eyes just look coldly from my grim-passive face, over run by that emotional apathy I used to find oh so appealing.
I just don't care anymore, as long as I can get ..there, every day, every hour/minute/second: as much as humanly possible, and for as long as possible and no one stands in my way. or adds a smartass remark about it, like they do.
--man, I'm just existing in what I feel like is my punishment; for getting to feel so good.. so much of the time, in the past.
with no regard or care, reckeless abandonment, selfish little prick, feed that monkey, boy, 'yes sir'..
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Friday, March 12th, 2010

Time:11:23 am.

I keep getting shit verbally thrown at me...and hitting brickwalls

it's as if the whole world is attempting to drive me insane and back to the needle.

 

-burn out, laying on the floor in a pool of regret, methadone and and residue from my gun. my demons lay beside me as I kiss them one by one. - Matthew Hargreaves.
 


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Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Time:11:15 pm.
Mood: annoyed.

So, my trip to LongBeach/Portland/Seattle/P.O. got fucked up, car troubles, and I'm stranded in Tucson, Arizona for like 2 weeks.

damn it, somebody come down and get me!

well, one brightside; I'm out of Miami.
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Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Time:2:56 am.

Please shut your mouth. let's say, I go about things the wrong way.

I am Human.
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Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Subject:Tales from the bagboy?
Time:10:42 pm.
Mood: restless.

Some people who actually listen to my stories about my current occupation[working for the Med. Examiner Office] have been saying;

I should dedicate a blog, or something similar to my best "stories" that I tell to close friend. Like, the most grossed out.. fucked up.. sad one's.. funny one's.. pathetic one's....you get the drift.

Would anyone read it? I admit, working for the Miami M.E. is very boring, and primairly just day-after-day, totally un-interesting scenes of Gang hits(Not organized crime, just street gang's), that we have to clean up after...but I have a few neat one's.


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Monday, February 15th, 2010

Subject:keep chasing it's tail - but the tail get's bigger[go figure]
Time:5:52 am.

A million poppies gonna make me sleep.

But just one claims you in warmth

I've got alot of potential, but for now I'll forget about it.

sincerely with plenty of contridiction, from my hear & soul; 

-K.Matthew Hargreaves


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Saturday, January 30th, 2010

Time:2:27 pm.

Rain. Seasons 2 and 3 of OZ. and being numbed out. decent day.
I sat on the doorsteps of a Catholic Church at 5 a.m. this morning, with just the blank emotionless serenity. - I don't know why.


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Saturday, January 16th, 2010

Time:10:35 pm.
Mood:un-content.

I've gotten back into old habits because of my stomach problems.

In 4 days, I'm having a C/T done on my stomach, and a Endoscopy- this will be the 9th Endoscopy I've had done since july 2009.

when, god, when are they going to fucking atleast DIAGNOSE ME?!
I'm so tired of: being cynical,

-of being sick,

-of getting so lost inside my head, with my suspicions of who's a true friend or isn't 

-of being so cut-off from everyone, it does me no good to even have a phone, I won't answer it. 

I never leave my house, unless it's late at night to go sit at the park, and think. 

all I want is peace.


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Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

Time:1:50 pm.
I didn't celebrate christmas, even though my mother, stepfather and aunt urged me to.

it's too selfish, and the concept is bullshit.

I got gifts, but gave them back, eventhough I liked them.(that would be hypocritical of me, to accept them)

I've been opiate & amphetamine-sober since November 16th.
But, alcohol has been raining down.


what the hell have I?

moving soon, before I lose sanity.

I need money badly.


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Monday, November 30th, 2009

Time:5:53 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjbHJ6K8u0U

I made this video, in memory of a friend of mine; Amy, youfucked with Tar, and itgot the best of you.
I'll hum to your spirit. always, you deserved better, then the needle.

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Thursday, October 1st, 2009

Time:5:21 pm.

Lay on your face, and pray that thy mercy of God, will come upon thee.

 

 

 

-Condemned for acts of the flesh, angel darling.

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Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Time:7:42 pm.
Mood: discontent.

So, I'm contenplating to stop taking my Seroquel and Lithium. I just can't do it any more, but I'm very afraid of coming off too fast, being that I'm slowly weaning myself off other things right now, too. But, things in life are getting bad, and these meds are just making paranoia get real bad. and, I can't function in order to attempt to fix my current really, really threatening problems, I'm going through.

I don't know anymore.

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Sunday, September 27th, 2009

Time:4:22 am.
Mood: dilaudid.

Why do people buy these stupid cell phones? Blackberries....whatever...or, better yet, why do they CARE about them?

You can watch movies on them, get on instant messenger's, read your email, etc.  WHY CAN'T YOU DO THAT ON YOUR OWN TIME?

People bitch about the United States being consumers, then support this bullshit.
Basic txt msg'ing + phone calls is all that is needed for me, personally. I spend my money on far more valuable things. LIke supoprting Artists(not just musicians), helping people, making art, and paying out the ass, trying to find a cure so I'll stop puking everyday, and not being able to keep food down, for no good reason. thus resulting in me staying in a constant manic-state of emotion.

 

fuck, end the rant.

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Thursday, September 24th, 2009

Time:7:11 am.
you always talk too much, too little, too late, too much, too little, for me to figure it out.
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Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

Subject:The bag boy has emotion. this is not good.
Time:3:33 am.
Mood: thoughtful.
 

Time for some personal reflection and introspective bullshit;

Since, moving here to Miami(in June), I was hired on by good faith by a great friend's Uncle, he is the chief advisor at the Dade County Medical Examiner's Office.

Of course, upon starting the job, I had to get used to certain smells, sights and outrageous situations. but, it didn't take too long. My 'personal reflection' this far into the job, has made me really stop and question a few things, about my own self. Especially, since picking up a few bodies, that  were of people I'd either used drugs with or had bought drugs off of, not long before, having to go pick their remains. that definetly made me re-think things, a bit. -Am I clean from chemicals? No, but thankfully I'm no longer shooting up or smoking certain things. But, I don't claim to be a member of sober society. In my opinion, this is neither a pro or a con.

I know this post is all-over-the-place and dis-jointed, whatever, lots of coffee and adderall does that, I suppose. I get alot, that I talk about this job of mine too much, even when I'm off duty. and some refer to it as "odd" and "fucked up" but I just naturally have a drive to look deeper into death, especially Suicide's, why wouldn't you want to look into a Suicidal mind? when you've been to as many suicide-scenes as I have so far, you would be dumb, in my opinion not to contenplate the reasons "Why". it's rather stupid to just say "suicide is bad, that's a tragedy". there has to be much more to each picture, then what religion and whatever other "logical" belief patterns try to tell us. I just know it.

The main thing that has kept me awake, and has disturbed my mental state, quite a bit, is when my partner and I, must go to Nursing Homes, I really hate to sound like a dick, but most of the time, we end up cracking jokes while doing a pick up, though of course if family members are around, and there's something comical about a scene, we try to keep it under wraps until we've got the job done, and are on our way.(I've had family members, who are grieving hardcore, and just can't accept death, pull me by my shirt and shove me against walls, when seeing me and my partner taking their relative and putting them on the gurney, which, I suppose is understandable) -Anyway, nursng homes, stay with me, because of my history with my Grandma slowly dying in one, a few years ago. Up to this point, every pick-up we've done at a Nursing Home, I've been able to contain myself, and not get emotional, but definetly think about it all night/day after ward. But, yesterday, we did a pick up, and the old lady, we were told by the Nursing Staff, had died from natural causes brought on by Alzeimers...the same evil fucking force that took my Grandma's poor life. So, I just lost it. My partner, had to load the body himself, and luckily had a bit of pity on my weakling ass. Ever since, I've been off my shift, which has now been 11 hours, I've been pacing the floor, and being a emotional wreck. I don't want to quit my job, it's enjoyable, and plus I seriously don't need more time on my hands, to sit around searching for another job, I know I'll start looking at other "things" and most likely go back to the main-habits that I've finally gave up.  and it will ultimately destroy me, or drive me insane.  What to do...what to do.. Probably I will do more Adderall to finish a thesis I'm writing, and try to logically think this through, I go on my next shift early-today, in a few hours....Man, I wish I had more online friends to speak with, who also work in the medical examiner field, haha, eh, seriously.   /end.

 

(you can all just ignore this, it was more for my self, anyway, and I didn't feel like phisicly picking up a pen and paper)


 
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Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Subject:Come on home, little children, come on home
Time:1:11 am.

"When you see the children with X's on their heads, if you dare to look at them, soon you will be dead."
-Susan Atkins

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4bSgeYaAaw

 

Everyone should listen to that, I finally got it on CD today. Amazing.

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Friday, August 21st, 2009

Subject:all your best things are in the pawnshop.
Time:4:11 pm.

I guess it never occured to me, this could get real bad. whatever.

"I should be rich instead of digging a chinese ditch."

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Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Subject:Thinking outside your beliefs? Yes, perhaps this may require it.
Time:2:59 am.
Mood: sleepy.
Public Service Awareness Tactics: act 10 = wake up everyone! (or you could try not to think about it, as usual.)

The corporation is a self perpetuating virus.  It takes another virus, to kill a virus. Become that virus, and stay infected, until you're heard. if not for your enviorment, then atleast for you're children's own sake of mind(i.e.;or future children, like in my case, perhaps).
Nothing surprises me anymore, because this is the way I think...  Take it and run with it...ya dig?

 

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LiveJournal for Matthew Vegas! - :Fashion.Bomb.Terrorist:.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Website (My blahhh Space).
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.